17!?

Seventeen years ago on this very evening I had been in labor all day long.  I started out the day a chipper naive 25 year old, clueless to the pains of motherhood.  I had been pretty impatient during the last month of my pregnancy.  After all, his due date was the 21st of January, so by Feb 7th I was dying to give birth already.  I was scheduled to be induced and practically skipped into labor and delivery announcing in my most happiest voice "we're here to be induced!"  Looking back I wish I had been more proactive on my own behalf with my doctor.  No one these days lets their patients go that far over their due date and I should not have waited that long either.  Letting him grow another 2.5 weeks could possibly be what set me up for a very difficult delivery, and grueling recovery (level IV tear ladies. I don't advise looking it up).  But I guess no one could predict the size of his noggin.

On Feb 7th 1994 I went through all the nurse's shifts. AM, afternoon, PM, nightshift and back to AM once again. Boy were they surprised to see me.  I also got to see (for a second time) the same nursing school students who sheepishly asked (for the second time) if they could watch my birth.  I, once again granted permission (although feeling the way I was I really should have said "no"I don't think it was in my vocabulary at the time though).  Once again the young students had to leave disappointed and unenriched.  He wasn't coming out in time for them to learn on me.  By now my Doctor was coming in and looking stressed.  I thought he was showing an ample amount of concern for me and my son.  That could have been the case.  However he was also worried about another deadline.  He was scheduled to leave on a cruise that day and was concerned about passing me off to someone else.

Eventually Big Boy was born.  When I think back on that experience I remember it as... overwhelming and painful.  I was fully numb but super exhausted.  I had the shakes and felt sick while holding him for the first time.  Then came some guilt at not bonding instantly with my newborn.  What did that say about me?  It just said that after 28 hours of labor I couldn't really muster the strength to care about anything.

When T and I discussed getting pregnant again two years later the memory of that delivery (and some horrible postpartum care) still haunted me and I almost couldn't go through with it again.  I am so glad I did because the next experience was so much better!  I guess you could say Big Boy was the trail blazer that made it all possible for the next in line.  Thanks big guy!  We all owe you big time.

I can hardly believe he is 17 tomorrow.  How did that even happen?  He is so close to leaving me and I find that impossible.  Big Boy is such a great and interesting kid/man-child.  I guess if someone shaves and talks in a deep baritone voice then they are no longer a kid.  He is musical, and comical, and smart.  He is sensitive and thoughtful and intense.  He shows great potential.  He also has a lot of growing still to do.  I am trying to wait patiently for that to happen.  Just as he kept me waiting for 2.5 weeks in the beginning of his life, he's still playing that game of "I'll get there when I'm good and ready and not before."  I am proud to be his mother.  I am regretful that he had to be my guinea pig.  I hope he will forgive me someday for all my matronly shortcomings.  I love him.  He is my Big Boy, and he's now 17.  

Big Boy and his personality shown here