Jekyll and Hyde Mom

This morning at 6:15 my telephone rang. "Did I wake you?" my high-schooled aged son asked. "Why yes, yes you did" was my reply. "Yeah, so I need you to bring my AP test T-shirt to school for me so that I can be allowed to go to the AP tester's carnival today? Could you have it here by 12:00?" I mumbled that I would try. I got up, started my Pilates on the ball workout that is killing me! Half way through the torture my middle school aged son came down with my cell phone. A text had been sent requesting the T-shirt deadline be moved up to 10:15. This meant that I would need to cut my work out in half in order to leave enough time to shower and be presentable to walk into the high school after dropping off my kids at the elementary school. Because, who wants to be caught in front of teens without your make up on? Not me! Also I had another place to be from 9:30-11:30.

As I showered I thought to myself, 'am I one of those Moms?' You know the kind who are always running to the rescue if their kid drops the ball. Am I enabling my son? Teaching him to be irresponsible by saving his bacon all the time? Does it happen that often? Will he ever hold down a job? If not it will certainly be because I just had to bring him the AP T-shirt. Is it crucial that he attend the party? Would not being able to attend teach him a more valuable lesson? He'd thank me someday for being such a hard nose and refusing to give in to his every request right? He'd remember stuff and be more organized. He'd be thanking me in that college graduation speech of the future. Except, I thought about that Mom who just says "too bad for you kiddo!" and I didn't really want to go to lunch with her.

However the mom who just gives and gives and never complains... what's she like? Is she a pushover, or is she just really sweet? I kinda want to hang out with that mom, cause I think she's less judgy. I think her kids will be right there at her bedside when she's dying thanking her for all the forgotten lunches she rushed to the school before it was too late. Being remembered for too much kindness can't be all bad. Can it?

So I headed down to his room to find the T-shirt, still undecided. As I looked through his drawers I was horrified to see all the unfolded laundry that he had just shoved inside without folding. No wonder he folded so fast yesterday. He just didn't do it. I also found a drawer full of single socks. That would explain the mis-matching socks he wears all the time. I started feeling like a failure. I started to fume a bit. I found the wadded up T and headed upstairs. On our way out the door to school I still hadn't decided what I would do. Then I checked for my cell phone and it wasn't where it usually is. Not in my purse either. I seem to remember seeing it sometime this morning. I called myself... No answer. I checked downstairs where Middle Boy had been answering my text from before. No luck. I called again and this time I heard it coming from Big Boy's room. It was buried under clean unfolded laundry on top of his dresser. I suddenly made my decision. If I can lose my cell phone, then he can forget his shirt. We'd call it even, I thought as I drove to the high school. And later I treated myself to lunch.

A Nightmare on Hayes Manor Ln

I had a fitful night's sleep last night. It could have resulted from the fitful events of the day. You try shopping for church shoes with two boys who don't want to be with you (walking several paces behind). Actually Little Boy was most cooperative. He chose his shoes in 2 seconds flat-and more importantly he was grateful. Big Boy= another story altogether. But since he has asked a girl from church to our Mormon Prom he has dug himself this hole and it's up to me to struggle through the wardrobe options with him. Oh joy.

The dream I woke up crying to this morning involved me trying to find space in the freezer to put some melting chocolate in before it was too late to save. Try as I might I just couldn't balance everything (a symbol for my life maybe?) that was in there and make room for my chocolate. Then I noticed something horrifying in the freezer. Blood in the ice cubes. Deep dark brownish bloody cubes. I wasn't sure if someone had been making blood cubes or if some meat had thawed out during a power outage and had bled all over the ice. It was disgusting. Then my thoughts (still in my dream) turned darker. What if there was some foul play to blame for this blood? Who would kill something in my home? And then freeze the evidence! Then the scarier thought... What if it was me who'd done the deed and I had just blocked it from memory? Had I killed my teenager? Things had been bad lately but just how bad were they? Big Boy (in real life) has a tendency to put odd things in the freezer. He likes to experiment. 'What happens when things freeze' being a common unknown he likes to solve. Things I have found in the freezer? Gum, jello, silly putty, gummy worms, etc. So maybe my unconscious took this freezer situation to the next level. Luckily T woke me up before I found my teenager's head in there.

I guess it was promising that my emotion was sadness. I do believe the sadness wasn't about the fact that I would now have to clean out the freezer. It was sadness that I would now be without my son. The question for this morning is this: Do I share this nightmare with Big Boy? Would it bring us closer? Or would he be watching his back all day? Dreams are weird. Any of you want to interpret my dream?

Or how about T's? He dreamt about a business man coming home from work and sitting up in the attic with his pants around his knees, eating nuts and gazing at the stars from his telescope. When the man's wife approached my husband and asked if her spouse up there doing those things, T covered for him and said "nope."

Troubles With My Teen

This past weekend was a challenging one for me. On top of the fact that I am not feeling well, I have not had the friendliest weekend with my teen aged son. These teen years have been a very humbling experience for me. I realize that me not feeling great has been a contributing factor.

I remember being a new mother. After a grueling 29 hour delivery, I looked down at my wrinkly swollen newborn and I felt fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the drive home, fear of the pain and sacrifice I was unsure I would be able to give. I was shaking literally and I wasn't all together sure if it was the exhaustion or the fear. About 15 months later I remember the exact opposite feeling one day, while sitting in a church meeting. I noticed another mother with a child that was misbehaving- badly. My child had his hand-made mini photo book with cut out pictures from church magazines and real photos of his Dad throwing him in the air keeping him blissfully reverent. I had my tupperware fully stocked with Cheerios and other various quiet toys stashed away awaiting their turn in the line up if needed. 'That poor mother just doesn't have it together' I ignorantly thought to myself. I wonder what some more experienced mother of teens would say if they could have seen me last Saturday.

Saturday T left for an all-day scout training thing. I don't know how I managed to go for 6 months alone with my kids while T was deployed because 6 hours on Saturday seemed to bring both of us to our wits end. The things we said to one another! The atmosphere in our home was awful. I tried involving the kids in a friendly little game, but even this turned sour. Big personalities clashing once again.

Really there are a lot of things I have to be grateful for with this kid. Maybe I need to remind myself. Here I go: He's a good student. He works hard at his violin. He is socially adept. He has a soft spot for his mother and will still give me hugs. He is funny. He has awesome red hair. He likes to read. His cartooning skills are pretty great. He loves his Dad. He never complains about going to seminary or church meetings. He can iron and do laundry. He hates swearing. He's a fast texter. He is good at math and science. He's gonna do big things one day. Lots of cute girls have had crushes on him over the years but it has never gone to his head. He is growing so fast I can't believe it! He's sporting some big muscles this year. He's got great freckles. I love him. He didn't give up during cross country season, even when it was hard. Very hard. Perhaps this is the strategy I should adopt for myself. Pushing through the fear and pain. Going the distance on this long long journey.

And never, never giving up.

(photo taken before the big muscles showed up this fall)

Feeling Guilty

So I have to explain/apologize for my last post. Some of you got to read it. Others probably tried but could not. I actually felt it was one of my better entries on this blog. Apparently writing during the still quiet hours in the middle of the night, along with intense heartburn, brings out the best in me. But also the worst. Due to the subject matter (my teenaged son's love life) I had to remove it.

I had wondered if it would be upsetting so, in my not so direct way I asked (after the fact), if he would mind if I used the subject of his attentions from a girl and my reaction to it would be an okay topic to blog about. He said he'd have to see it first. I went to take it off and saw I had 3 comments already. Whoops! I wanted to delete it, but save for my husband's eyes only, but somehow when I re-read I just couldn't bring myself to hit that delete button.

Later on when Big Boy needed the computer for homework he saw my blog title and wanted to read. I hesitantly let him. He was upset to tears and I felt like a big slime bucket. I still am tempted to put it back up there, but each time the memory of his face in that moment holds me back. Here I tout myself as a keeper of verbal chastity/fidelity with my spouse but I have clearly violated it with my son. BAD MOM!! BAD BAD MOM!!!

This causes me to self evaluate. My need to be clever and inventive in story telling sometimes pulls harder than my need to be a trusted friend to my son. That is disturbing. My husband saw no harm in the entry really, and it could be that Big Boy just over-reacts. That is normal for a kid of 15 years right? So I ask for a 2nd (3rd or 4th) opinion. If you happened to be one of the few readers who read my last entry titled 'heart burn' (that's you Kristina P, Laurel, Lia, and possibly others), please tell me honestly did I go too far? I mean if I were a teenaged boy with a girl giving me that much attention I would think it a proud moment. But maybe the eye stuff was too much... You know what I am referring to I think.

I have been sleepless for the past 3 nights (for other reasons- allergies I think) so I have had time to mull it over. I'm still stumped. Being a parent is so dang hard!

Saving it for Me

So our family is back together again now that the 2 older boys are back from scout camp and Big Boy just got back from pioneer trek.  Cub scout day camp ended at the same time for Little Boy.  Swimming lessons start soon for Big Girl.  Oh and how can I forget the one week of lacrosse camp that cost us an arm and a leg to get the boys equipped for?  I need to call and set up some summer time violin lessons for 2 boys and piano for the others.  I am hesitant to do so because it will involve more driving and I already log way too much time in that driver's seat.  Our car's DVD player was once to be used only during vacation-time road trips.  Now it has become a regularly used item to keep Baby Girl happy in transit.  I know I should have classical music, stimulating conversation, and uplifting books on tape going for them at all times, but sadly it's more like Slurpies, punching, and Nacho Libre back there...

But it has been nice to have everyone around the dinner table at night once again.  Everyone except my husband that is.  T has had a rough month and has sometimes not been home from work until after dark.  Such is the life of an MD I guess.  Amazing how I used to get worked up about such things and now I just shrug them off as part-of-the-deal.  At least he is coming home right?  Not like when he was in Iraq.

So when I picked up Big Boy from his trek experience I had a brief interaction with his 'Ma' (pretend mother for the weekend), and she praised my son up and down.  She told me "He was such a great kid, wonderful helper, etc"  Then she told me "He is going to make such a delightful adult to befriend when he grows up!"  I thought that was an interesting comment to make.  She seemed sincere enough. Hmm... Maybe I don't appreciate him like I should.  Or maybe she doesn't know him like I do.  Probably both.

He was helpful and in good spirits for a day.  Not letting me lift his gear as we went to load up and leave.  Then today I was left scratching my head a bit when I had to re-call him again and again to do a specific job.  I interrupted his job of doing the dishes to ask that he take some old kitchen washcloths to the laundry.  The next thing you know he was outside playing in the back yard.  When I questioned his abilities to stick to a hard job with 'Ma' but not with me (the real deal), he responded with the excuse that it was because he knew me.

"Let me get this straight, you are capable of staying on task, but because you are familiar with me you blow me off?"  What is up with that!?

"Well the door was open, I went to shut it and the outdoors called to me"

"But that would not have happened on trek?"

"Nope"

"Why not?"

"Because we were always outside there"

And off he went,

without finishing his job....

Halloween

We all had a wonderful time this Halloween. New this year was Big Boy scaring kids on the porch dressed as a semi scary scarecrow. Hope we can do it for years to come!

I am a cucumber

This is classic Big Boy. I'm sure he'll make us take it down the moment he realizes it's here. In case you can't hear properly, at the end he says "please don't take me to the pickle farm" Seems logical for a cucumber to want to stay a cucumber I guess...

Fall down-go boom

N recently broke his left radius (distal). In a running falling incident involving the dog. "Naturally the dog was faster than I am," N could be heard saying several times to various health care providers during our diagnosing appointment. No one would want to get the false impression that N was a slow poke. He was very proud of his broken arm. We'll see how much he likes it in 4 weeks!

You got like 3 feet of air that time dude!

Big Boy was in a good mood as we walked to the subway in Tokyo. Must have been because we were headed to Disneyland!

Big Boy's poem...

The following is a poem that Big Boy entered in a library poetry contest. He did it for the extra credit offered from his language arts teacher. He actually won 3rd place in the contest and was given a 10.00 gift certificate. We are so proud of him, but he is pretty embarrassed at the poster sized poem they put up in the library. He says he doesn't want to be known as a nerdy poetry guy.

JUST A REGULAR KID IN THE ARMY

when you are in the army

you feel like a

ball that never stops bouncing

and the bouncing is giving

you a

splitting headache

and

you are getting torn away from the

ground that you love

and every once in awhile

you stay on the

ground that

you love

only to be ripped away

Rather Dashing

Well as you can see, Big Boy is not only good lookin' he has some romance in him as well! We sure are proud of our 13 year old son...

"close mouth, bend eyebrow"

Well last Sunday we heard from a branch member that there was a poster up in a local mall featuring our son N. He has only modeled one time, and already he is famous! He sat for a Levis shoot a couple months back around the same time as E. I think both of them came away with a new realization of what hard work it can be and not really wanting to do it again. So it's quite fortunate that he was put up in the mall already with such little input on his part. We were surprized to see this scowl on his face and all his lovely red hair covered up. He told us he remembered making that face. They told him to "close mouth, bend eyebrow." He certainly followed directions! He also told us that they kept re-combing his spiked up hairdo only to put the ski cap right back on top of the combed hair. Like they would literally come over lift up the cap and comb only to cover it completely again- go figure. N commented that he liked his new fame and wondered aloud while we were decending on the escalator if he would be recognized by any passing Koreans. It didn't happen....