March 21, 2007
Is it still your fault?
A and I were working in the kitchen the other day when I was under a lot of pressure with an upcoming primary activity that I was in charge of. I was expecting up to 100 kids from our district to arrive and be dropped off for 3 hours while their parents attended the Seoul temple. It was one crazy day as I was preparing and I had just washed and sectioned off enough grapes for 100 kids and had them on the counter to dry off. A wanted to help so I told her to pat them dry with a paper towell thinking that would keep her out of my hair for a while. I then went on to the next job of figuring out my new food processer to chop cabbage for a salad I was making for the leaders to eat the next day. I had just sliced my finger at the same time noticing that A had decided the paper towell was useless and started using a stinky washcloth from the sink instead all over my newly washed grapes. I snapped and got angry with her. Her face went all sad and confused as to why I was upset. It broke my heart. Patience is not my strong point I must say. I repent fast though, and I took her in my arms and told her I was sorry. I explained that it was a hard day for mommy because of all the things I had to do. I told her it wasn't her fault, but that I was to blame. About 10 minutes later while we were still working in the kitchen, she looks up at me and says "is it still your fault mama?" As if to say "are we still good?" or "are you gonna snap again?" It reminded me of N as a boy telling people that sometimes he pushed his mom 'over the side'(aka over the edge). She kept asking me if it was still my fault throughout the day. Mostly I said yes it was my fault, but finally I told her if she didn't stop asking me that it would soon be her fault. That put a stop to her asking. Doesn't it feel good to be loved and accepted? I hope I can make her feel that way more in the future. BTW I re washed the grapes, but I didn't eat any at the activity : )