Brick By Brick

Second day in a row and here I am typing out another post.  Miracles never cease.

Yesterday was a frustrating and unusually unlucky day.  I don't know who placed that black rain-cloud over my head but I hope they release it from it's duty today.  I've had a large amount of things on my plate lately.  Getting ready for two back to back trips, thinking up what I can do for T for our anniversary.  (No pressure there, it's just 20 years right?), visiting teaching (will I never learn to do it earlier in the month?), field trip volunteering, laundry, food, etc, etc.  On top of this I had play tickets for Little Girl and I at the Olney Theater.  Little Red Riding hood, one hour, just the 5 yr old and me.  It was her official 'date night' (only it was day). The date night where we take one kid at a time out on a date each weekend.  In a family my size it's pretty darn special and so she was requiring a smoothy from me afterwards.  But first I had to do major grocery shopping.  The play started at 10:00 am, so you can imagine my rush to the car from the grocery store at 9 something, making the decision not to take the food home before the play and betting that the chilly morning weather would protect my hamburger meat and low-fat milk.

I must have not been paying close enough attention to detail as I pressed forward to the van and noticed, too late, that a car was backing up right into my daughter.  Luckily the hasty man's windows were down a crack and despite his blue tooth conversation he was having he heard my screams.  He was obviously in a hurry too, parked askew in the handicapped spot, not displaying any handicap that I saw (except the inability to look behind you before bolting out of your parking spot).  He stopped just short of hitting her.  I felt an instant lump in my throat.  When I got safely to the other side of his car I stated in my firm voice "you just about ran over my 5 year old."  He heard me.  I was visibly shaken, and he did stop to apologize. I told him I appreciated his apology and then did my best not to have a crying breakdown in front of my daughter in the car.  I thought about all the 'things' on my mind that just about didn't matter one bit any more.  A seriously injured 5 year old is not what I wanted to get for T for our anniversary.

The rest of the days chaos included going to three places in search of smoothies, losing a cell phone, tripping up stairs and hurting my wrists, forgetting hash browns from the grocery store, getting a call from T insisting that we get the brakes on the van serviced before our trip in two days, about 5 loads of laundry, a toilet overflowing, spilled shampoo all over the bathroom floor, a ruined (new) roll of toilet paper caused by a non shower-curtain-closer, a broken lawn mower, a late night trip to Home Depot, and a fixed lawn mover, a very large and somewhat unexpected bill from our landscaper who refused repeatedly to give me a ball park figure (THAT's what we are now getting each other for our anniversary), a tick on the dog, guilt over not giving the dog her monthly frontline meds, judgmental stares from the vet receptionist, a call to my vet sister, and omelets for dinner.  One silver lining?  I got Little Boy to and from lacrosse practice on TIME!  No waiting in the car with his coach.  With all that was on my calendar and all that came up that day that is nothing short of amazing.  Another amazing thing was this awesome dixie up Wall of China that Little Girl made on the sly all by herself.  I'm so glad she was alive to do it! And so glad I got her those 200 Dixie cups at the store that day. And I'm pretty sure she did this one cup at a time just like I am going to get through all that I have to do today- one step at a time.  Looking very cautiously before I step.

Pretty Darn Amazing

Leaving the Nest

I have no idea what to write today but I need to get back into the blogging swing of things so here goes.  I read over some ancient blog posts of mine the other day.  Way back to when my family and I used to live in Korea in 2007.  It was fun to read over some of our adventures.  Like the time I snipped off my infants thumbs while clipping her nails in a post titled "First Blood" or the time my son was yelling at his new video game during a bus tour in down town Japan.  The lady said "here at this restaurant you can purchase a nice plate of food for around 15.00 American dollars" and he shouts out "WHAT?"  Good times.

I hope we are on our way to more good times this upcoming week. Today would be the last day of school before Spring Break.  It's a bit sad for me because it will be the last Spring Break where we are all together as a family.  Big Boy is heading off to college next fall (BYUI).  I am already thinking about how we are going to get a good family Christmas-card-photo of us this summer because. . . sniff. . . he will not be here in October when we usually get the thing done.  Do I even schedule a family photo shoot this year?  I need advice.  We are still a family without him right?  It's just another stage with one less.  So do we keep taking professional family photos just without my oldest? That is what seems logical to me, but sending out cards without my oldest duck seems wrong still.  Maybe it seems weird because he is still in the nest.

He is making my job of clipping the apron strings easier by occasionally being a big stinker.  Like last night when a new pair of much-needed dress shoes came in the mail.  I have to mail order shoes for him because of his size.  It's almost impossible to find a 7.5 in the men's section.  I tried my darndest to find the exact shoe he is currently wearing.  He's given me the go ahead before to just pick something for him, so that's what I did.  When I confessed and showed him a photo online of the Eccos I picked out, he took one fast glance from across the room and gave them a big thumbs down.  Seriously?  Does he know what a pain they will be to return?  They came yesterday and try as we might we couldn't even get him to try them on.  He sounds really particular I know, but I am convinced it's not that.  He just doesn't think he needs new ones and resents still being told by his Mommy what to do.  This turning 18 thing has been his license to turn his back even more on everything we offer or suggest.  Growing up is a painful process.  For all of us.

He usually buys his own casual clothes and we get the church stuff.  I told him last night that he would be getting his own this time.  Another cut of the apron string.  Maybe when he sees what a hassle it is he will appreciate my efforts more.  Maybe sometime in the distant future, and in a galaxy far far away.  Now I need to try not to look when he keeps wearing his old scuffed up hot messes to church.  He doesn't care in the least.  Should that make me happy?  It doesn't really.

And now I am off to take care of my other ducks.  Speaking of ducks take a look at this cute video.
http://www.godvine.com/Banker-Rescues-Ducklings-in-the-Most-Heartwarming-Way-1304.html

Gettin' Old.

I know I am getting older.  I know  because I recently placed a bid on Ebay for a soup tureen and I got all excited.  I'm classy enough now to know several good soup recipes.  And I have officially decided that serving soup to my guests (when I have them) directly from the pot is beneath me.  Snotty?  Older?  Maybe both.  Mind you, it depends on the guests I'm serving soup to.  19 yr old missionaries who come over once a month may not even notice/appreciate a soup tureen.  So having them over may not warrant a soup transfer.

Another sign of my age is the fact that some of the quirky glass-decorative items I received for wedding presents are now starting to appeal to me (weird!).  We received a lot of platters that I scoffed at when I was 23.  I was just wishing that we could just afford a vacuum cleaner.  I have an entirely new relationship with all those platters now.  They come in so handy at birthdays or ward functions.  We are on our 3rd vacuum cleaner, and I'd prefer not to use it if possible (old).

We have a temporary satellite radio feature that came with my husband's new car.  It's called Sirius.  Serious!  The free trial period is about to expire and I have enjoyed it so.  The main thing I love is all the 80's music I get to listen to.  Why oh why did I not discover the 1st Wave station sooner?  It expires in less than a month and I am tempted to just sit out there and listen to the radio instead of cooking, cleaning and doing laundry.  I'd feel free as a bird just like I used to in my youth with my sony walkman plugged into my ears listening to one of my two cassette tapes: OMD crush or Aha Hunting High and Low.  I didn't have a care in the world.  We'd be on a family vacation and I wouldn't even mind all the driving.  I was busy memorizing the lyrics to a mixed tape my friend made me.  It's amazing how listening to that stuff can take me right back to those days of careless bliss.  Alphaville's Forever Young came on this morning as I drove back from dropping my daughter at school, and I felt forever young!

I guess that's what they say right?  You only as young as you feel.  My outside might be wrinkling but my inside feels the same.  I'm trying to be more active lately and I can feel myself getting stronger.  That is so appealing to a woman of my age.  Yet my knee keeps bothering me as a painful reminder of the truth.  Youth is wasted on the young is another saying.  Looking back I'd say that is somewhat true.  You don't appreciate your youth until you are on the downward slope.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't think I am old yet.  43 feels pretty good.  I'm just aware of an awakening of sorts as to what is important in life.  I'm on the brink of pushing my birdies out of the nest and it's a solemn thought provoking stage.

The other day I was dealing with my younger girls doing our morning ritual of getting ready for school.  My older daughter was dressed and I was dressing my younger one (something this 5 yr old can do but prefers my help with).  Big Girl said to me "Mommy, can you stop helping E and come pour me some cereal?"  When I asked E if she could dress herself the rest of the way she said "No" I then asked A if she could pour her own cereal (she can).  She claimed otherwise.  I had both kids reverting in age and ability both wanting a piece of me.  A frustrating feeling that most mothers can relate to.  I made a joke and said "You can't put on your shoes?  You can't pour Cheerios?  What is this Baby Camp?!"  I had two totally different reactions.  Little Girl laughed herself silly repeating "Baby Camp!?" over and over.  And Big Girl cried. . . like a baby.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

T and I are about to celebrate 20 years of happy marriage together.  It's a good thing I didn't kill him after he didn't come back for 5 and a half hours on his bike the other day, or we wouldn't have made it to this milestone.  That, and I would have probably had to clean up a big mess.  I hate messes.

We had talked about the possibility of going on a cruise somewhere.  When you consider some of the deals out there a cruise seems pretty cost friendly.  However I do get carsick and I'd hate to spend our trip puking off the side of the ship.  Doesn't sound that sexy to me, and again -messy.  When the news hit of the recent cruise ship sinking, that settled it for us.  We wouldn't be doing a cruise.

Then there was the tiny issue of what to do with our kids while we were away.  Just a small hurdle really.  Our first thought was to call in T's parents.  But they are awaiting a mission call for our church right now and their availability was uncertain.  My parents are too old and tired.  I tried a sister, but no luck there either.  Her work schedule wouldn't allow it.  It was looking as if our 20 yr celebration may look like any other Friday night date.  Dinner and a movie.

Then I was hit with another idea of who to ask.  My niece!  She's perfect.  She's finished with school, between jobs, and home from and LDS mission.  She has a degree in elementary ed even!  You know, just in case my elementary school kid needs some help while she is here.  SO I asked and she agreed and she's coming here for ten days in April. Yeah!  And she knows how to use a GPS.  It's all you really need to know when watching my kids.  Because driving them around is all I do practically.

Now we needed to decided where to go.  T and I looked at several options and here is what we came up with. . .  Behold the Omni Resort in Bedford Springs, PA.  Rated as a top 10 resort spa by Travel and Leisure magazine.  Hot spring mineral water pools, messages, facials, outdoor fire pits with s'more kits, and deluxe cupcakes delivered to your room with cold milk!  I couldn't resist.

Then we plan on touring a couple of Frank Lloyd Wright homes.

Kentucky Knob House

Falling Water House

Next we head to Pittsburgh.  There's a bike tour that we plan on taking where I hope they rent a bicycle built for two since it's 22 miles.  You bike one way, turn in your bike and canoe back to your starting point.  I'm hoping for some great views and ice cream stops along the way!  What better way to say I love you and thanks for hanging in there with me for 20 years than a double bike, a canoe and ice cream stops?  And since I've recently lost 15 lbs I think I deserve a treat don't you?

We also plan to see the Andy Warhol museum.  His work fascinates me.  

And because T loves me he will pretend to enjoy the art museum I'm sure.  Much like he has compromised and put me first for our entire 20 years of married life together.  One of our mottos is "I'm first after you."

So it just goes to show that you should never give up on your dreams of spending your anniversary away from your kids doing stuff you enjoy together.  I'm sure we won't regret it.

Biking to Work? Or Giving Your Wife a HEART-T-TAK?

Sometimes something happens that is kinda bad and the only silver lining is the fact that it would make a great blog post!  This is one of those times.

My facebook status on Monday afternoon read as follows. . .

"I was searching for a recent photo to give the police officer when my 'missing spouse' walked in with some splainin' to do"

The day started in a pretty normal way with me sleeping and him getting up to exercise. . .  What?  I'm doing my cage fitness class on Tuesdays at 1:30 unless there is an orthodontist appointment or a sore back or something. And unless it's too cold I go walking with my walking buddies every weekday while our teens are in early morning seminary.  But today was president's day, a day off, and we were going to spend some quality time with our kids.  I'm not gonna lie, there was talk of bowling.

A couple of the boys were invited on a ski trip.  So T took them to a friend's home for a 6:00am departure and then he returned. As he dressed the dark he mentioned to me something about a ride.  I peeked at him and noticed the bike apparel heard the words "ride my bike" and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

When T goes biking I have no idea where he goes.  This is probably something we need to remedy.  I know my thoughtful brother always leaves a detailed note to his wife about his running route for the morning.  Not a bad idea.  Sometimes there is a group of men that my husband is a part of that goes for long Saturday morning rides together.  He had been seen chatting it up with a few of them the night before so I thought there was a possible ride going on that he forgot to mention to me.  Those rides are significantly longer, and I probably would have protested since it was a day off with family and that time is really precious.  Part of me started to get a bit irked that he might have purposely not told me about a group ride to avoid being told no.  That's really not like him though.

As time went by and he kept not showing himself I felt my irritability start to rise.  My cheerful mood in the early morning slipped away and I found myself bugged that there was no one around to help with cleaning up after breakfast.  Half my crew was on the slopes or on a bike.  Where was my ski trip or my solo bike ride?  I haven't even had time to blog lately.  Where's mine?  Wah wah wah!  T had just been in Texas with a neurology buddy for 6 days the week before, missing Valentines Day and Big Girl's birthday.  How could he do this now knowing how much stress I'd been under with teenagers while he was away?  I turned to my source of comfort.  The pen.  I wrote out my frustrations to him in a not so mature note and placed it on his pillow.  Then I went to cut Big Boy's hair.  I tried not to cut angry.

Big Boy asked me what was wrong.  How could he tell?  I mentioned to him that I was beginning to worry about how long his Dad had been gone.  As I spoke to my son I started adding up the hours in my head.  It had been about 4 hours.  That is a long ride for sure.  A long selfish ride I thought.  Was he thinking I'd go bowling with him after this?  He had another thing coming.  I finished the haircut and decided to start making a few calls.  Maybe one of the other biker-wives had more information than I did.

It took a few calls but finally I got through to someone.  It was one of his biker friends actually.  Not biking but answering his phone, and probably rinsing the dishes while he was at it.  He told me there was no group ride that day.  He also mentioned that my husband had said to him that he would be biking in to work the next day (today) to get a few miles in.  So that would account for the extra time this had been taking.  Why did I miss that part?  "Well I'm glad he told someone that" was my sarcastic response. When I'm upset you really don't want to mess with me.  I'm sad to admit it, but it's true.  So I'd just call him at work and we'd settle this thing right?  Not right.

I called his cell and got no answer.  His iphone reception is bad thanks to A T & T.  But he always gets his texts.  I tried to text with no success and then my mind started imagining the worst.  What if he never got to work?  Now it had been 5 hours.  Did he wear his ID wrist band?  What was he wearing?  What route did he take?  What would I do if he was hurt/dead?  I'd kill him if he were still alive.  I called the police about 30 minutes later.  They were sending over an officer to take the report.  I looked at the note I had written earlier and thought how stupid I was to be so upset with him when he was probably hurt or worse.  I moved the note off his pillow and turned it over.  I went downstairs to look for a recent photo of him for the police officer.  I found a family photo we'd had last October.  What a happy looking family.  Too bad he had to take up biking.

Look at what I just found on his laptop.  

The next time this happens I know just where to look for an ID shot

The next thing I knew he was coming through the front door dripping big drops of biker-sweat in the entry way.  I'm afraid I was pretty upset with him.  He was confused as heck.  He said he told me he'd be going into work on his bike.  The reason he couldn't answer his calls or texts was because he was riding home at the time.  I really should have thought that one through.  I guess I was just too panicked by that time.  I wasn't thinking logically.  I heard my son mention to us through the door in a meek voice "It was just a misunderstanding"  One I hope I never have to go through again.  I'm getting a white board like my sister for people to write on to tell me where they are and when they'll be back.  And the next time something like this happens I'm going to try and take a chill pill.  They should really market those for people like me.

'Bout Time

He'll either blow out his candles... or commit a heinous crime

Surprise!!!

Bout time I wrote another update.  We had Big Boy's surprise party on Friday and it was a hit.  Our house was pretty crowded with people and we had too much cake.  I was disappointed to find out that one of the girls I had invited just couldn't contain herself and went up to him the day before the party and spilled the beans.  It wasn't accidental either.  She said something to him like "you know what's going on tonight don't you?"  This poor dear is kinda needy and really likes my son.  I think she craves attention something awful.  She's the same girl who tried planting a kiss on his lips in the middle of the gym at a youth activity last week. He turned and took it on the cheek. We're a bit concerned about her.  I can't decide if I should call her out on the surprise ruining or not.  I think she's just a bit mixed up but perhaps she should know that her actions have consequences.  I won't be inviting her to my next surprise party that's for sure.  And my boys have been warned against her swift lips.

In other news Middle Boy is driving me crazy.  I am sure it's a result of all the attention his older brother is getting these days but sheesh!  I can't seem to stop him from irritating everyone.  He needs to get back into a sport that he likes because he has just way too much dead time on his hands.

Big Boy transformed an old remote control car into a car of Altoids.  They are his favorite candy.... so.... why not make them into a car.  It took a whole lot of hot glue but it was worth it.

Big Girl is gearing up for her birthday tomorrow.  She's already put in an order for waffles in bed.  I'll be glad when this week is over.  I may take a week long nap.

Little Girl stubbed her toe tonight and needed a half hour snuggle afterwards.  I guess everyone is a bit frazzled.  No wonder I have been too busy to blog.  I'm ready for a vacation.  "A vacation from my PROBLEMS!"  I love that movie (What About Bob).

Little Boy is cute as ever.  He hates his kitchen job though and I gotta say- it shows.  He is supposed to wipe down the table and put away the food after people finish eating.  You'd think I was asking the impossible.

Recently I went though a bunch of old videos from my early days a mother.  If I could tell that person something right now it would be that I needed to chill.  I saw several things that I wish I could change.  Why is it that we don't have the knowledge we need in this life until we go through stuff.  It's the only way we learn I guess.  I just wish I could put my 43 yr old brain into my 27 yr old head sometimes.  Perhaps as I read over my blog posts in the future I'll think that 43 yr old Kelly didn't have a clue.  No way out of this life but through I guess.  So I'll just keep doing the day to day stuff and hope I learn what I was meant to learn.

Perfection

For years my husband has been trying to make me the perfect fried egg.  I've told him how I like it.  Not too underdone, not too overdone.  I've coached him about keeping the heat down and not seasoning it before it's cooked.  He continues to try and I'm sorry to say that he continues to miss the mark.  I feel like a heel for not hiding my feelings about his egg when he offers it to me.  He asks, with eyes hopeful, "how was your egg?" "Good but a bit overdone"  Is usually my reply.  I am nothing if not honest.

I think, no I know there have been a few bad meals I have dished him up over the years.  He never complains.  Yet somehow you just know when the mark has been missed.  Bless his heart he really does try to get my eggs right but usually I offer to make one for myself... and he knows why.  It's because I know how I like it.  I also know how I like my pancakes but that's another topic for another day.

He just wants to please me and is so eager to learn so the other day I gave him a few more clues to the way I like them fried.  I suggested keeping the temperature lower and cooking it longer.  Making sure not to crack the egg into a cold pan.  He came and showed the egg to me while I was getting out of the shower.  Looked okay!  He put it on a slice of toast for me.  I was in a rush and thought I might have to get the egg to go, but there was still a few minutes on the clock for me to sit down and eat.  I cut into my egg and watched it run all over the plate.  Too runny.  You know it's really hard to get it medium soft!  I'm not quite sure how I do it but I think it's the experience I've had at the skillet making eggs for so many over the years and my internal clock just knows when to say when.  I was honest about my egg.  But I was also grateful for the effort and I ate it anyways.

At least T still has something to look forward to perfecting in his future.  He has to have one flaw : )

What's New?

Since I have been slackin' and I need to catch up quick, here's a short list of what has been going down at my place.

!-Big Boy has heard back from 2 of the 4 colleges he applied to.  Both said yes!  Utah State and and BYU Idaho.  We are now in the process of nagging him to fill out scholarship applications.  Wish us luck!  We still have our fingers crossed for BYU Provo.  Only because that is where we have a lot of family.  It would be nice knowing another mother is close by to knock him on the head when he needs it.

@-T and I had a NYC get away!  It was just overnight but it was sure fun to get away.  We saw a broadway play (How to Succeed) and T spoke at the Vetran's hospital in his dress uniform.  Walking down the streets of NY with him in full uniform was a funny thing.  He got lots of sideways glances, one salute and a hearty "Thank you Sir!" from one man.  I was proud to be on his arm.  And he looked pretty handsome too : )  I had about 4 thank-you notes to write we returned.  So many nice friends pitched in to help out with my kiddos.  Even when Little Girl was at high risk for barfing during her overnight stay.

PS our edgy hotel had zebra print light fixtures!

the ceiling at Union Station where we caught the early train to NYC

#- I am in hyper-planning mode getting ready for Big Boy's surprise birthday party on the 10th.  He turns 18 on the 8th so I plan on a simple family party that day and a big surprise shindig on the 10th.  Our theme (because I must have one) is a tribute to red-heads.  Guests are encouraged to come dressed as their favorite red-head or wear a provided orange bandana.  We will serve carrot cake, mandarin orange salad, and ginger ale.  Orange jelly beans will fill our new jelly belly dispenser.  We're having a game of "name that red-head" with orange prizes.  An epic orange dart gun war.  It might be embarrassing for him, but it should be fun too.  We shall see...

$-T and I are coming up on our 20th anniversary.  We are trying to plan a get away but it hasn't quite come together yet.  It feels weird trying to plan something when we just got back from NY.  We were thinking about a cruise (but no longer- thanks Italian cruise ship captain for confirming my worst fears about a cruise).  Maybe a beach house rental, a bed and breakfast somewhere... any suggestions?

%- Notice how I have been using symbols instead of numbers?  Weird how I made that mistake with Number 1 and accidentally typed !  So I just went with it for the rest of the list.  I'm wacky.  Even stranger is the fact that some of the symbols actually went with my topics.  Look again if you're in denial and believe me when I say it wasn't on purpose.  I got nothing for % so I better end.  Have a great Tuesday.

Blessed Christmas

It's the day after Christmas and all through my house,
are things to be picked up by me and my spouse.
My new rule says kids must pick up their messes.
The darts from new dart guns, the games and doll dresses.

For the new plan clearly states,
that after I ask
by shouting "CLEAN SWEEP"
they must all start the task
of sweeping the room of their most beloved items.
Because if in my grasp?
Those things go bye bye *ahem*

It should be made known that I have several sacks,
full of old cast offs
for other folk's shacks.
You'll recall my post here,
were I clearly state,
that we have too much stuff
in our middle class estate (perhaps you relate?).

The donation pile grows as my children slack off,
and leave on the floor the undies and socks.
I'm showing some mercy when collecting such things,
as coats, violins, and brand new mood rings.
But I'm trying to use my best poker face,
when stating that everything must have it''s place,
and if it is left out- I've stated my case.
Some other kid's mom will have to make chase,
over things left on floors...The next tactic is mace.
(just kidding- don't call social services on me!)


But the day after Christmas is such a hard day,
for keeping things tidy.
Kids just want to play,
and moms are so tired and merciful too.
Parents are just happy the kids have stuff to do,
before toys get boring and they all cry boo hoo.

So I'm turning my gaze to more peaceful thoughts,
of how nice it is to have T home washing pots
For hugs from my oldest- Happy this year?
Seems someone put nice-boy-dust into his ear.
I'm grateful for kids who are healthy and sound.
For a cancer-free brother two feet on the ground.

Could be, this blessed day made my evil side flip.
Perhaps trials of others make me double dip,
and re-think the importance of a perfect clean house,
with crumbs much to small for the interest of mouse.

I'm just glad we're together under cold drafty roof,
playing apples to apples eating food that goes "poof" (as it disappears rapidly see?)
Happy for foot-rubs and good luvin' from Troy.
Grateful for each little safe girl and boy.
That is what trials in this life can do.
It can make you feel glad it ain't happenin' to you.

It can make your heart grow as you think of the stress
That others experience
and count yourself blessed.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!  We sure did : )

Mourning with Those Who Mourn

Tragic news yesterday evening.  Just as we were about to go ding dong ditching for Family Night I got a call from my Dad.  I was in the laundry room doing.... laundry when he called to tell me.  At first I thought it would be about my brother with cancer, but no.  My lifelong girlfriend with 11 children had found her 2 year old drowned in their family pool just that afternoon.  She has a 3 week old baby, it's 6 days before Christmas and now she has to bury her 2 yr old girl.  I let out a wail of sorrow for my friend.  My son came running to see what was the matter.

I tried to keep upbeat during our outing but every time my kids would exit the van to plant goodies on a neighbor's porch, I'd put my hand to my forehead and just feel helplessly sad.  I thought about calling her when we got home but I know she will be informing her family and talking to them the first day.  She is the youngest (along with a twin) of 12 children in their family.  So I sent her an email and ordered flowers for her.  I wish there was more I could do.  I want to ask my friends to facebook to pray for her, but somehow it feels like the wrong place to share such news.

I keep looking at my healthy children and being grateful for them (even my teenager).  I barked at my 4 yr old this morning and felt terrible right afterwards.  She knows I am upset and keeps giving me love this morning.  Such an intuitive child.

As I laid awake last night, thinking of my friend, I thought of her motherhood tasks ahead that will be hard.  Like looking at that pool, or folding her daughter's clothing as it comes through the wash.  Unwrapping her presents and returning them.  Seeing her sippy cups in the cupboard.  If I were her neighbor I would offer to come and take care of some of those tasks for her, but not until after I first gave her a huge hug.

I know that she will see her daughter again and that the atonement is real.  I know families are forever.  But this really sucks all the same.  Nobody gets through this life without trial.  It's just part of the deal, but for now I am angry and sad that this happened to my friend.  I wish I could make this better.  Not gonna happen.