July 30, 2009

Feeling Guilty

So I have to explain/apologize for my last post. Some of you got to read it. Others probably tried but could not. I actually felt it was one of my better entries on this blog. Apparently writing during the still quiet hours in the middle of the night, along with intense heartburn, brings out the best in me. But also the worst. Due to the subject matter (my teenaged son's love life) I had to remove it.

I had wondered if it would be upsetting so, in my not so direct way I asked (after the fact), if he would mind if I used the subject of his attentions from a girl and my reaction to it would be an okay topic to blog about. He said he'd have to see it first. I went to take it off and saw I had 3 comments already. Whoops! I wanted to delete it, but save for my husband's eyes only, but somehow when I re-read I just couldn't bring myself to hit that delete button.

Later on when Big Boy needed the computer for homework he saw my blog title and wanted to read. I hesitantly let him. He was upset to tears and I felt like a big slime bucket. I still am tempted to put it back up there, but each time the memory of his face in that moment holds me back. Here I tout myself as a keeper of verbal chastity/fidelity with my spouse but I have clearly violated it with my son. BAD MOM!! BAD BAD MOM!!!

This causes me to self evaluate. My need to be clever and inventive in story telling sometimes pulls harder than my need to be a trusted friend to my son. That is disturbing. My husband saw no harm in the entry really, and it could be that Big Boy just over-reacts. That is normal for a kid of 15 years right? So I ask for a 2nd (3rd or 4th) opinion. If you happened to be one of the few readers who read my last entry titled 'heart burn' (that's you Kristina P, Laurel, Lia, and possibly others), please tell me honestly did I go too far? I mean if I were a teenaged boy with a girl giving me that much attention I would think it a proud moment. But maybe the eye stuff was too much... You know what I am referring to I think.

I have been sleepless for the past 3 nights (for other reasons- allergies I think) so I have had time to mull it over. I'm still stumped. Being a parent is so dang hard!


Kristina P. said...

Hmmm, this is tricky. I can see how Big Boy could be embarrassed by it, but I don't think it was completely out of line.

When I post about my husband, I always run it past him first. I think it's probably a good rule to live by.

CSIowa said...

I didn't get to read the post, but I think you should just keep feeling guilty as a preemptive measure. Inevitably, you will perform some other unforgivable act of mothering in the near future. Just keep that good old guilt warming on the back burner, ready to bring back to full boil, because--everyone knows--it's always the mother's fault.

Laurel C. said...

I think he could be embarassed if his friends or Prairie Flower also read your blog. (Which I'm sure they don't.) Personally, I liked the entry becaused it summed up what mothers go through when their sons and daughters transition to new phases. It's tough! And I liked how you conveyed that emotion.

I think you're okay. Reassure Big Boy that your blog readership is all his mom's friends... not teenagers. And particularly not Miss Brownie.

Kelly said...

Thanks for the advise. I knew it was probably a bad move not to run it past him first.

I will try and live by that in the future.

Melody said...

I read it and thought it was sweet, but could definitely see the embarrassment factor, given that it was on such a touchy subject (girls and dating and hormones and all). I struggle with this too, since lots of times my kids and their foibles are the inspiration for articles I write. Right now they don't care -- Ella just thinks it's cool to see her name in a magazine, even if I'm whining about some horrific tantrum she had -- but as she gets older I'm sure I'll have to be more careful. Preserving good feelings and a sense of trust is probably more important even than a great article idea.

literaqueen said...

Trust factor above all else, I say (even though I didn't read the entry). Forgive the researcher reflex, but my guiding line is always how someone will feel about what I wrote, even if nobody else can identify who that person is that I wrote about (does that even make sense?). So, always run it by the person you wrote about first.