T has been home for two weeks today. In the course of the past two weeks he has been able to share some of his war stories with us. Things are relatively peaceful over there right now so there weren't too many. I will admit to you that I was not without worries, especially in the beginning. I had to put those things out of my mind so that I could focus better at home. I had to put up some walls. The first time I heard of my husband being put into harm's way I found out by accident, and the source was not from my husband. I was upset. I felt somewhat tricked. I know he was just trying to protect me. He didn't want me to worry. However, I felt that now I couldn't trust what he was telling me and the worry I felt over the unknown was worse. I confronted him on video chat that day and I couldn't stop crying. He felt bad that I had figured out his secret. Yet his practice of 'don't ask, don't tell' continued. I found out more of the sticky situations he was in this past week when he came clean with me after the fact. I had pretty much been a liar for 6 months telling people how safe things were for him over there. He was relatively safe, but still not as safe as I let on.
I ask you... would you rather know exactly at the time (or close to it) of your love's dangerous situation(s)? Or is it better to be protected and told later? The first one creates possible unnecessary stress. But the second one makes me feel like a mistreated child. I had no idea they were under shell attack as much as he was. 1-2 times per week. He was nearly hit once. Now I know. The walls are down. The thing is, and this is pretty sacred and possibly not for the blog, but I am going to share.... I think I could have handled the knowing right away part if I had been given the chance. The reason is this: When T first told me the news that he would be leaving for Iraq in 3 weeks I was amazingly calm about it. Not like me at all. I know I was being comforted by a higher power. I knew things would be okay. Would this have been enough to sustain me? Even given the awful truth? Did walls need to be put up? Would I have freaked out? Maybe... Perhaps it was best he put up walls. Can't go back now.
post edit here: If you'd like to read up on that first scare I had while he was out click here