April 21, 2009

Walls


T has been home for two weeks today.  In the course of the past two weeks he has been able to share some of his war stories with us.  Things are relatively peaceful over there right now so there weren't too many.  I will admit to you that I was not without worries, especially in the beginning.  I had to put those things out of my mind so that I could focus better at home.  I had to put up some walls.  The first time I heard of my husband being put into harm's way I found out by accident, and the source was not from my husband.  I was upset.  I felt somewhat tricked.  I know he was just trying to protect me.  He didn't want me to worry.  However, I felt that now I couldn't trust what he was telling me and the worry I felt over the unknown was worse. I confronted him on video chat that day and I couldn't stop crying.  He felt bad that I had figured out his secret.  Yet his practice of 'don't ask, don't tell' continued. I found out more of the sticky situations he was in this past week when he came clean with me after the fact.  I had pretty much been a liar for 6 months telling people how safe things were for him over there.  He was relatively safe, but still not as safe as I let on. 

I ask you... would you rather know exactly at the time (or close to it) of your love's dangerous situation(s)?  Or is it better to be protected and told later?  The first one creates possible unnecessary stress.  But the second one makes me feel like a mistreated child.  I had no idea they were under shell attack as much as he was.  1-2 times per week.  He was nearly hit once.  Now I know.  The walls are down.  The thing is, and this is pretty sacred and possibly not for the blog, but I am going to share....  I think I could have handled the knowing right away part if I had been given the chance.  The reason is this:  When T first told me the news that he would be leaving for Iraq in 3 weeks I was amazingly calm about it.  Not like me at all.  I know I was being comforted by a higher power.  I knew things would be okay.  Would this have been enough to sustain me?  Even given the awful truth?  Did walls need to be put up?  Would I have freaked out?  Maybe... Perhaps it was best he put up walls.   Can't go back now.  

post edit here:  If you'd like to read up on that first scare I had while he was out click here

5 comments:

Kristina P. said...

That is such a tough question! I think I would prefer to be told at the time.

CSIowa said...

I've been reading some Anne Perry Inspector Monk novels lately. One of the frustrating things about the Victorian era is how sheltered gentlewomen were kept--sheltered and useless. They weren't even allowed to see newspaper accounts of the Crimean War. Only the society pages were suitable for women to read. My hackles raise about women being treated as children. (And I do think it's wise to keep the details to a minimum for kids.)

I'm not saying your situation was equivalent to the extremes of Victorian England--after all, you were certainly required to be anything but useless. That's only one reason you deserve more credit. I don't think I'd want to know every detail at the time (even if there weren't potential security issues with that), but I think there must be a middle-ground level of specificity that doesn't give you the idea that you are not equipped to deal with reality.

Jeanne said...

Visiting from Chaka's....

For myself (and only for myself) I'd just as soon not know till it's all over. The less fodder for my imagination, the better.

Eileen said...

I'm so glad he's home safe and sound! Lyle wouldn't have told me either.

My computer internet hasn't been working, so I'm trying to catch up!

literaqueen said...

I think it would depend on the person and my relationship with that person. I have to admit I avoid telling my mom some things that happen (like when I slide on icy roads) because even though I'm totally safe afterwards, she feeds off worries of "what if it happens again?" I think you have to go with how much the Spirit says it's okay to share.