This past weekend was a challenging one for me. On top of the fact that I am not feeling well, I have not had the friendliest weekend with my teen aged son. These teen years have been a very humbling experience for me. I realize that me not feeling great has been a contributing factor.
I remember being a new mother. After a grueling 29 hour delivery, I looked down at my wrinkly swollen newborn and I felt fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the drive home, fear of the pain and sacrifice I was unsure I would be able to give. I was shaking literally and I wasn't all together sure if it was the exhaustion or the fear. About 15 months later I remember the exact opposite feeling one day, while sitting in a church meeting. I noticed another mother with a child that was misbehaving- badly. My child had his hand-made mini photo book with cut out pictures from church magazines and real photos of his Dad throwing him in the air keeping him blissfully reverent. I had my tupperware fully stocked with Cheerios and other various quiet toys stashed away awaiting their turn in the line up if needed. 'That poor mother just doesn't have it together' I ignorantly thought to myself. I wonder what some more experienced mother of teens would say if they could have seen me last Saturday.
Saturday T left for an all-day scout training thing. I don't know how I managed to go for 6 months alone with my kids while T was deployed because 6 hours on Saturday seemed to bring both of us to our wits end. The things we said to one another! The atmosphere in our home was awful. I tried involving the kids in a friendly little game, but even this turned sour. Big personalities clashing once again.
Really there are a lot of things I have to be grateful for with this kid. Maybe I need to remind myself. Here I go: He's a good student. He works hard at his violin. He is socially adept. He has a soft spot for his mother and will still give me hugs. He is funny. He has awesome red hair. He likes to read. His cartooning skills are pretty great. He loves his Dad. He never complains about going to seminary or church meetings. He can iron and do laundry. He hates swearing. He's a fast texter. He is good at math and science. He's gonna do big things one day. Lots of cute girls have had crushes on him over the years but it has never gone to his head. He is growing so fast I can't believe it! He's sporting some big muscles this year. He's got great freckles. I love him. He didn't give up during cross country season, even when it was hard. Very hard. Perhaps this is the strategy I should adopt for myself. Pushing through the fear and pain. Going the distance on this long long journey.
And never, never giving up.