A Nightmare on Hayes Manor Ln

I had a fitful night's sleep last night. It could have resulted from the fitful events of the day. You try shopping for church shoes with two boys who don't want to be with you (walking several paces behind). Actually Little Boy was most cooperative. He chose his shoes in 2 seconds flat-and more importantly he was grateful. Big Boy= another story altogether. But since he has asked a girl from church to our Mormon Prom he has dug himself this hole and it's up to me to struggle through the wardrobe options with him. Oh joy.

The dream I woke up crying to this morning involved me trying to find space in the freezer to put some melting chocolate in before it was too late to save. Try as I might I just couldn't balance everything (a symbol for my life maybe?) that was in there and make room for my chocolate. Then I noticed something horrifying in the freezer. Blood in the ice cubes. Deep dark brownish bloody cubes. I wasn't sure if someone had been making blood cubes or if some meat had thawed out during a power outage and had bled all over the ice. It was disgusting. Then my thoughts (still in my dream) turned darker. What if there was some foul play to blame for this blood? Who would kill something in my home? And then freeze the evidence! Then the scarier thought... What if it was me who'd done the deed and I had just blocked it from memory? Had I killed my teenager? Things had been bad lately but just how bad were they? Big Boy (in real life) has a tendency to put odd things in the freezer. He likes to experiment. 'What happens when things freeze' being a common unknown he likes to solve. Things I have found in the freezer? Gum, jello, silly putty, gummy worms, etc. So maybe my unconscious took this freezer situation to the next level. Luckily T woke me up before I found my teenager's head in there.

I guess it was promising that my emotion was sadness. I do believe the sadness wasn't about the fact that I would now have to clean out the freezer. It was sadness that I would now be without my son. The question for this morning is this: Do I share this nightmare with Big Boy? Would it bring us closer? Or would he be watching his back all day? Dreams are weird. Any of you want to interpret my dream?

Or how about T's? He dreamt about a business man coming home from work and sitting up in the attic with his pants around his knees, eating nuts and gazing at the stars from his telescope. When the man's wife approached my husband and asked if her spouse up there doing those things, T covered for him and said "nope."

So Long Dr E

So, I had a somewhat bizarre appointment with my internist today. I have had bronchitis (turns out it wasn't pneumonia) and have been coughing for 5 weeks. I went on antibiotics around week 2. I also was on an inhaler, a mucous medication, and predisone for who knows what. The gunk has now spread from my lungs to my head and it's making me crazy! Seriously, it's not just in my head-it's in my head. You know that feeling when you have swimmer's ear? The marbles are rolling around in your head when you bend over. Well I haven't been swimming, or holding my head under running water lately but I have that anyways-seriously, I'm not making this up. I am constantly trying to equalize the pressure in my ears making that squeaky sound for anyone and everyone in the room to hear. I get dizzy, watery eyed, and headachy. All that good stuff. Each day is a bit more bearable. But throw in some tennis elbow making it so that I can't lift a full gallon of milk anymore, and the fact that I pee myself when I cough too much (mentioned before-sorry, get over my bluntness), some winter blues due to the biggest storms in recorded history, and a sassy teenager and I am thinking that this Doctor will have some sympathy for me right? Wrong.

Today I was prompt for my appointment and I was sitting where you sit after the vitals have been taken right outside the Doctor's office/exam room. I know from keen observation powers I posses that he is alone in that room and he knows I am out there waiting. Our eyes met as he walked in. But he keeps me waiting for quite some time while he does his other stuff.

Now Dr E was quite pleasant on our first visit. He even called me at home to tell me he wasn't coming in due to the blizzard so I should not come to my appointment either. After hanging up my only thought was that he at least should have inquired about how I was doing. Turns out he's not really that kind of guy.

Today when he saw me he asked me quite out of the blue, while looking into my ears, if I played a musical instrument. Not, "I see here your suffering from incontinence, tell me more about that." Or "It says you were a bit depressed during your bout with bronchitis, how are you feeling now?" He just wanted to know why, after 6 years I quit the piano. Now, I will tell you, that there was classical music playing in his office when I went in and the DVD was skipping or something, making him have to adjust it several times. He paid more attention to his stereo than to me almost. So maybe he thought that was the ice-breaker he needed to delve into my musical history.

The other odd thing was that when I revealed to him that I would not be coming back to this facility he seemed upset. Since there is another hospital closer to my home, I had made the switch with Tricare services just before my appointment. Nothing personal, just a better parking lot and the possibility of a lunch date with my sweetie. I think it may have offended him, because he was very brief with me from that point on, he stopped looking me in the eye, and he left me in the hallway to await my time with the out-scheduling nurse without so much as a good-bye. "Thanks" I called to him as he shuffled down the hallway away from me. Some doctors must have skipped class the day they talked about bedside behavior. Either that or he didn't accept my excuse for quitting the piano.

Cooks and Lovers

Now I know I should really cut my Mom a break in the cooking department because she had 13 kids. In fact I am certain she was probably a better cook when she had less children. She also used to sew costumes for her kids and vacuum under chairs (or so I am told- I never witnessed such things). Before I came along she had been widowed (with 5 kids), and had married my father who had 4 kids of his own. Blending those families must have been rough. Then they went ahead and faithfully had 4 more kids of their own. I was the eldest of these. Confused? Understandable. The point is, she was spread thin. Very thin.

The meals I remember Mom making were fairly simplified. She even invented a simple 'pizza' with a flour tortilla as the crust. Next came spaghetti sauce from a jar, and in lieu of pepperoni just cut up s slice of baloney, add cheese and pop it in that new invention- the microwave for 45 seconds. Yum! The only dessert she made was a no-bake cheesecake from a box by Jello-brand foods. Jello was also a staple in our home. Jello blended with dream whip powdered whipping cream (yuck!).

I couldn't believe it when on a morning after a sleepover, my friend Gwen taught me the proper way to make scrambled eggs. The part I found fascinating was where she dirtied an extra bowl for scrambling the eggs in instead of stirring it up right there in the pan. These eggs were divine compared to the eggs I had been sifting through at home, avoiding that long white strandy stuff that my torturous older brother had told me was the chick's belly button. So when Gwen introduced me to a perfectionist way of cooking my interest in what else could be done better had been piqued.

My maternal Grandmother had been an excellent cook. Pies being her specialty. One bite of her perfect lemon meringue pie and you could be transported to heaven! I am still trying to figure out how her sealed edges never separated. That seal breaks on me every time. Too bad I can't call her up in heaven and ask her what the trick was. She'd probably be to busy serving up pie to answer my question anyways. If they don't have pie in heaven, they should. My mother used to say that cooking great dishes was Grandma's way of showing her love. Funnily enough her comic husband used to say "There are two types of women, those who are good cooks and those who are good lovers, and BOY can your grandma cook!" As I child I found this statement confusing. I am still scratching my head a bit as to why he would say this in public.

My cooking isn't award winning, but I am not afraid to try new things. Unlike my mother, (or is it because of her) I do bake things from scratch. Maybe it was the same for my mom. She rebelled against the made-from-scratch things by stocking up on Jello-brand cheesecake. Do we try and be what our mother's were not? Possibly...

I like home-made vs the box on most things. But not corn bread. Sometimes faster is better because it means more time spent with your family- and that is a good way to show love. My daughters are always the first to pull up a stool or chair to "help" me cook. Being the impatient perfectionist that I am, we have adopted the phrase "watching is helping!"

Yesterday when we had to bake a cake for the blue and gold banquet I invited my 10 year old boy to stop watching television and join me in the kitchen. After all it was supposed to be made my him. I taught him how to sift flour, and separate eggs. We made my favorite home made yellow cake. He did a great job! It was great to share that time together, just the two of us. However Big Girl's homework did have to wait. Sharing my time is a way to show my love, and even though he complained at first when I tore him away from the boob tube, when I asked him this morning if he liked making a cake with me, he slyly smiled and admitted defeat. Maybe there's a little chef in there somewhere.

Troubles With My Teen

This past weekend was a challenging one for me. On top of the fact that I am not feeling well, I have not had the friendliest weekend with my teen aged son. These teen years have been a very humbling experience for me. I realize that me not feeling great has been a contributing factor.

I remember being a new mother. After a grueling 29 hour delivery, I looked down at my wrinkly swollen newborn and I felt fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the drive home, fear of the pain and sacrifice I was unsure I would be able to give. I was shaking literally and I wasn't all together sure if it was the exhaustion or the fear. About 15 months later I remember the exact opposite feeling one day, while sitting in a church meeting. I noticed another mother with a child that was misbehaving- badly. My child had his hand-made mini photo book with cut out pictures from church magazines and real photos of his Dad throwing him in the air keeping him blissfully reverent. I had my tupperware fully stocked with Cheerios and other various quiet toys stashed away awaiting their turn in the line up if needed. 'That poor mother just doesn't have it together' I ignorantly thought to myself. I wonder what some more experienced mother of teens would say if they could have seen me last Saturday.

Saturday T left for an all-day scout training thing. I don't know how I managed to go for 6 months alone with my kids while T was deployed because 6 hours on Saturday seemed to bring both of us to our wits end. The things we said to one another! The atmosphere in our home was awful. I tried involving the kids in a friendly little game, but even this turned sour. Big personalities clashing once again.

Really there are a lot of things I have to be grateful for with this kid. Maybe I need to remind myself. Here I go: He's a good student. He works hard at his violin. He is socially adept. He has a soft spot for his mother and will still give me hugs. He is funny. He has awesome red hair. He likes to read. His cartooning skills are pretty great. He loves his Dad. He never complains about going to seminary or church meetings. He can iron and do laundry. He hates swearing. He's a fast texter. He is good at math and science. He's gonna do big things one day. Lots of cute girls have had crushes on him over the years but it has never gone to his head. He is growing so fast I can't believe it! He's sporting some big muscles this year. He's got great freckles. I love him. He didn't give up during cross country season, even when it was hard. Very hard. Perhaps this is the strategy I should adopt for myself. Pushing through the fear and pain. Going the distance on this long long journey.

And never, never giving up.

(photo taken before the big muscles showed up this fall)

Guest Post by T

He says he would like to do a guest post... But not right now. Something to look forward to since he is an awesome writer! I am going to give him three topics to choose from. You, gentle readers can influence his choice by voting in the comments section.

Here are the choices:

A) His favorite technical device

B) A memory from his youth that shaped his life

C) How making brownies from scratch has enlightened him

D) A suggestion from you perhaps?

Me, Complaining

I am going to admit that I don't know at all what this post is going to be about. I just think I will start typing and see where it goes. Usually I feel like I should not post unless I have something to say, but not tonight. You can feel free to stop reading now if you like. I know one should never make excuses right? Well I just did, and yet on I continue....

The biggest thing I have on my mind tonight is my health. I have now been struggling with this bronchitis/pneumonia turned head cold for 5 weeks! Seriously! I am aware that there are worse things out there. But I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is making me a big crank too. My poor family. At least I was nicer today than yesterday. It's really true what that country song says "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Yet I am still waiting for the part in the song when he says he's "gonna make Momma happy tonight." (And I am thinking more along the lines of washing pans and folding laundry-not the other thing you are thinking).

My energy levels are way low. Carrying all that unfolded laundry up the stairs makes me breath heavily. I had been working out 3 times a week before all this started and had been feeling so good. Now I just sit around trying to get rested watching the olympic games. BTW is it just me, or does anyone else think that Johnny Weir was framed? That guy has some interesting hat choices but man can he skate!

One thing I thought was a benefit to being so sick was that my appetite is not there and I have lost the 5 lbs I gained on vacation in Florida, plus 3 more pounds as a bonus! Yes! Then one day I made chocolate lava cake and those lost pounds were suddenly found. My husband discovered that our scale is quite fickle depending on what bathroom tiles it is placed on. I think I am going with the same spot I usually weigh myself at and call that the truth. None of this moving the scale around setting myself up for disappointment. I like being ignorantly blissful. Finding lost weight overnight only makes me want more lava cake.

And one final complaint before I close this rant. I have a new pain. Its a mysterious pain that I have tried blaming on the weather, the heavy laundry, my age, an unknown injury, shoveling snow (whoops I didn't actually do any of that). I still don't know why it hurts, but my elbow is killing me! It's been a week of icing and ibuprofen with little change. Then the thought came to me sometime yesterday. Perhaps it's the big C...Canker. Did anyone else see that SNL skit with a young Alec Baldwin? The one where he pretends he's a soap opera star who doesn't learn his lines right and he has to tell someone they have cancer. He says "There's nothing they taught me at Yalee medical school to prepare for moments like this... Yes, you have the big C- canker" I wish I could find that video clip to share with you. But really the pain is unexplained and keeps getting worse. I know I need an x-ray, but that means dealing with the parking lot at Walter Reed and I would almost rather have the cancer.

Well I better stop rambling and start taking better care of myself. I said no to helping with the delayed Valentine's Day party at school yesterday. Bold of me! The first step in healing myself. And now I am going to get a good night's sleep and eat oatmeal for breakfast tomorrow. There's gotta be some healing power in a steaming bowl of oatmeal.

Two Violinists

Okay, so I am super proud of these two. Big Boy has taken violin since he was 9. Little Boy is on his 3rd year (but 1st with a 'real' teacher). Little Boy has made the biggest strides this past year. He is a devoted practicer and really thinks before he plays. You may recall how he gave himself blisters when perfecting his bow hold back in September. He confided in me the other day on the way to his lesson, that he was really glad I made him take violin. You could have picked up my jaw up off the floor. Not many moments like that come along in my experience as a mom. After all this practicing, now comes the great times when they can play tunes together. It tickles me to no end. Which is probably why I have to really pull teeth to get them to do it. I get the most resistance from Big Boy who has turned a bit surly in his teenaged years. (Help!)

I am also most proud of my husband who will do his Egyptian dance at the drop of a hat. This silly side of him is one reason I married the guy. It's rare that he shows this side to anyone besides me, so please enjoy! The tune they are playing is called Fisher's Hornpipe.

My Love Has Layers

Our Story, (by request only)

So for the few people who got to read our story early this morning (hello Japan!). Count yourself among the lucky. T, when finding out I had scheduled our story to be posted early on Valentines, shared his feelings with me on the matter. And since it is the day for love I am honoring my love's request to keep that story more on the private side.

I am the type of person that is an open book. I like to share. T is less that way. I used to sing and perform for my parent's friends at an early age. T is happy in the background watching.

So if you are one of the people who asked me to share this story before I will email it to you personally. If you have a burning desire to know our love story, leave me a comment and I will most likely share it with you too. T just isn't cool with it being out there for the entire world.

For the record I did tell him to read over it last night and make changes if he liked- but I fell asleep before giving out the news that it was scheduled to go up the next day. Silly Kelly...

Hope you have a wonderful day filled with love on this Valentines!

Kelly

PS email me with your personal email address and I will send it to you. My address is nttagg@gmail.com

Big Girl Gets Older

This morning someone had french toast in bed...

And someone waited patiently

To get to her presents!

Someone had a fun pajama party with friends.

Where cookies were decorated...

and girls jumped on a mattress...

And strawberry cake was lit...

Happy 7th Birthday Big Girl!

To the Man

This is for the man I fell in love with 19 years ago.

I recently wrote a lengthy story about how T and I met and fell in love but decided it was too much for the blog. Who really needs all those details? In a nut shell, we met, we dated, we broke up, we got back together, and we got married. Isn't that romantic? Your basic boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl love story. The most dramatic part being where T calls it off and Kelly says "you'll be back" and she is right. It was nothing short of a miracle. For comic relief throw in a story where Kelly takes T over to a girl named Maren's apartment so that he can tell her in no uncertain terms that she shouldn't call him anymore since he has gotten back together with his true love (me). Too bad too because I really liked the name Maren for one of my future daughters but since now there was history there, we couldn't use it.

Can I just tell you that I feel very lucky to have snagged myself such a great spouse? He is funny and kind. He is handsome and smart. He takes care of me. He works so hard. He is an inspiration really. And even though he broke my heart in 1991 he has spent the last two decades making it up to me. He's a tramp, but I love him! And we make adorable kids.

That is indisputable.

Digging Out/Going Nuts

Well it turns out this is the largest amount of snow on record for this area. We have had an entire week cancelled. Everything cancelled. School, work, church (twice), scouts, young mens, book club, freezer meal group, brownies, appointments, everything. We were lucky to only lose power for about 12 hours. There were 88,000 without power in the surrounding area. So we feel blessed. Just as we were dug out of the first 30 inches of snow, another storm hit. Two more feet and this time with lots of wind. I gotta say the onset of this next storm had us feeling a bit depressed. We made it to the store in time to get milk and other essentials and then looked at each other and asked the question "What are we going to do to keep from going insane?"

What have we done? Let's see- we've made valentines for the classes (x2), celebrated Big Boy's birthday (this cake was so yummy!), had dart gun fights (we now have two big dart guns), played wii, played Age of Mythology, watched movies, cleared snow off our covered porch, shoveled out ourselves and several neighbors, played in the snow drift, had snowball fights, had sibling fights, played LDS prophet go-fish, played Farkle, balanced the checkbook, done lots of laundry, cooked some great meals, read books, organized files, hung up shelves, took apart our bed to tighten the frame (cleaned under there), and today I resorted to cleaning all the kitchen cupboards inside and out (found lost Twix-eating now). I purged junk drawers in the kitchen and alphabetized spices! I am going stir crazy. Tomorrow I am making Hello Kitty cake pops for Big Girl's birthday treat at school (whenever they meet for school again). I will also be getting ready for Big Girl's pajama-themed birthday party. We'll see if all 8 girls can make it. We are at a point where folks are getting plowed out by now once again. Then I hear there is another storm forecasted for next Monday. What is going on!?! We can't catch a break here. I suppose life will go on. But if we if we don't see some blue skies soon we may go nutsy trying to find more indoor stuff to do. Gotta go now- there some unmatched socks calling to me. BTW- being indoors too long makes me cranky. Just speak to T about that.

A Serious Snow

Well we have been without power all day and it just went back on as the sun went down. A tender mercy to be sure as it has been so frigid in the house that we have been huddled together around our fireplace all day long. We've had some fun family time playing games and cranking up the hand crank radio and listening to music. The most frustrating part of the day came when our dog ate my sandwich that I had just sat down on the hearth to eat but was distracted by someone's request and she snatched it up. If I hadn't just washed a sinkful of dishes in cold water and made everyone esle lunch (while starving), before myself it wouldn't have been quite so bad. My nice husband went right up and made me another.

Now that the power is on we are praying that it stays that way. In the middle of the night I heard a loud crack that confused the heck out of me- when daylight came I saw the large tree that came down and hit our AC unit outside. One or 2 feet in another direction and it could have been through our window! We were looking at it out the basement window in amazment when another part of the tree snapped off right in front of our eyes. There's also a large pine in the front of the house that has lost large limbs today. That is what happens when large storms are combined with big trees. And then out goes the power and you all have some happy family time together. With the power on I am cooking up a storm in case it goes out again. So I better stop blogging I guess. I just came up to print off a recipe for killer chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting for Big Boy's birthday on the 8th. I hope to be dug out by then... wish us luck!

This is a shot of the tree that went down and the air conditioning unit it fell on...

Practice-a-thon

(This post is for my friends/ family members who would like to donate- who know me, my boys, my address, etc. No pressure to those who just lurk on my blog)

Practice-a-thon

Starting February 8, 2010, my two violinist sons will be having a Practice– a–thon to benefit Manna Food Center. “Smart Sacks” is Manna’s innovative program to fight childhood hunger. Each Friday, Smart Sacks provides hungry elementary school students in Montgomery County with 10-12 nutritious and kid –friendly foods for the weekend in backpacks handed to them at their local school. On Monday the backpacks are returned and refilled for the next weekend. We will be donating money to assist in this program.

To find out more about Manna visit www.mannafood.org.

The practice-a-thon will run two weeks, from February 8 – 21, 2010. They need to find sponsors for their practice time. The sponsor will pledge to donate a set amount of money for every hour they practice. Big Boy will practice approximately 10 hours and Little Boy will practice close to 7 hours. It is up to the sponsor to decide how much you want to pledge for each hour of their practice. Money will be collected at the end of the Practice-a-thon and sent to Manna. They may have as many sponsors as they can get. However please don't feel any pressure from us. There are many good causes out there right now.

If you choose to donate the checks should go to "Manna Food Center" and can be sent to me by the 21st of Feb. Just leave me a comment and I will know what to put you down for. Thanks!!!

Here is a sample of my younger son playing twinkle. This was a while ago- he's actually improved a lot due to a wonderful teacher! More importantly he is really enjoying himself.

At a Crossroad

Well I am up late and I am not sure the reason because I am sick and totally need my rest. But watching LOST has my brain in overload mode and I just can't sleep. Actually we didn't even finish it since we would have been up past eleven (DVR) and so that is probably the reason for my sleeplessness. No closure. I have also thought that perhaps it's Nyquil withdrawal. I decided to let the medication the doctor gave me do it's thing instead tonight. So- sleepless! And blogging.

I have already heard one child talk in his sleep- sounds like he's fighting with his brother even at midnight. Baby Girl also made some noise and since she has had this same cough (turned into an ear infection) as I have, I ran to her side and asked her if she was okay. We shared some smiles and sleepy hugs and it was no less than awesome. I love her so much. Too bad she's my last. Babies are the best when they are sleepy and huggy.

The thing I wanted to blog about now after that two paragraph set up is that T and I are at a big crossroads in our life lately. We are coming up on a point where we either have to start looking for a job once our military commitment is up (in two year's time). Or making the scary decision to stay with Uncle Sam for the next 9 years until he would be eligible for retirement. After last year's deployment we were certain getting out was the best idea. That was pretty tough and we don't want to risk everything like that again. But the security that comes with a retirement paycheck and health care benefits for the rest of our lives is hard to pass up. The army also gives us a higher paying salary when we decide to sign on for more time. So there is that immediate benefit as well.

T worries about our financial future. Thinks about it daily. I tend to be more of a grasshopper type personality. I figure things will work themselves out and I am not too willing to gamble with my husband's life. But lately, for some odd reason I have felt myself softening to his ideas of staying in the army until retirement. I see other people having adventures living overseas and I miss that opportunity. I love people in the military. They just stick together and support each other. Great people! We could go to Germany in the next 9 years- what a blast that would be! The thing that has me more open to the idea also is that T will be up for a program director position in the next couple years that would put him in a less deployable position. We could also most likely stay in Maryland the entire time (unless we requested an overseas tour), and that would give our kids stability. We love this area.

I guess only the Lord knows what would be best for our family. And so we have been praying. But today as I was at the military hospital for my appointment and I saw all the soldiers in wheelchairs, it got me thinking about all the risk involved with being tied to the army. I am not sure what we will do, but one thing keeps coming back to both of us and it was something I said to T the other day that we "shouldn't take counsel from our fears." We should put ourselves in God's hands to do what he has in store for us. Figuring out what that is isn't always easy though...

Bronchitis With a Chance of Pneumonia

Yep, that's what the doctor said today. And I gotta say it's amazing to me that since being diagnosed at about 11:00 am this morning, that I have felt about 25% worse than I did before. I think that mentally I had been in a place of telling myself I could kick this thing, and at any moment I'd be back to normal. But as I drove the 40 minute drive to Walter Reed this morning I felt a tiredness that was deep. I was wishing for gum to keep me awake on my drive. So I really should have known this was something more.

My husband said to me last night that there was a good chance that there would be nothing the doctor could do for my cough. Nothing can be done to cure a virus. So obviously I had to text him with the news as soon as possible. I also informed him later that he would be doing some laundry for me tonight. I am running out of underwear. As it turns out extreme bouts of coughing makes me leak. Too much information? Sorry- I have been told I have no filter before. Now it appears that is true in more than one way.

When the doctor told me it was pretty advanced I mentioned that my husband is also a physician and that I had asked him to listen to my lungs earlier in the week, but that he forgot to bring home his stethoscope. Then we made small talk about how the cobbler's kids never have shoes. My dad was a dentist and I had to beg him to pull my wisdom teeth for me. He kept saying it could wait until there was a last minute hole in his schedule. But I took note that when the neighbor down the street needed some work he was happy to take care of him right away. Yes, I was a poor neglected dentist's kid. I cried into my waterbed every night. It was terrible- all those waterskiing trips to Lake Powell didn't really make up for those neglected 3rd molars. Sigh!

And now it would seem that after all those years of support I have offered to my husband during med-school and residency (not to mention the year I slaved away with him during fellowship), that I still can't get the man to listen to the crackle inside my chest. It's a good thing he'll have a chance to make it up to me. Fresh squeezed OJ for breakfast is on the menu for tomorrow I'm thinking.

Losing My Voice/Meeting My Needs

I have had a cough for just over a week that has rendered my voice completely useless. It actually brings back memories of when T and I were dating. It seems I lose my voice on occasion when I am sick (like now) or during season changes. I lost my voice during the spring of 1991. This made for an interesting 4th date with T. When you're in peacock mode and you're trying to be all charming and talkative it's difficult without one's voice. I could really relate to poor Arial having only her body language to get Eric's attention. I must have done okay because as I remember things, this was the night we first kissed. He kissed my potentially sickly lips and then I walked myself back to my apartment 10 doors down. Rather odd that he wouldn't walk me home I thought. An awkward beginning. A great ending.

Now that I am a mother of his five children I find that losing my voice has another set of obstacles. I can't raise my voice in anger (that's been a bonus). It gives me pause to think about how often I must do that because I am useless in the yelling department right now. I have to slow down take a deep breath and get their attention in another way. I will have to remember this practice for when the voice comes back I suppose. Sometimes a whisper is a better way. A soft answer turns away wrath. Guilt also works. "How can you make me keep after you so many times to do your dishes when it hurts to use my voice?!" I also feel like unless it's really worth saying I just keep my mouth shut. I feel a bit left out of things in this mode. But it will pass. I am lucky to have my voice, my health, my life.

Tonight as I prepared dinner I asked my husband to please wash some of the pans that had been stacking up. He did so. I thought to myself that I can't really remember my father ever doing such things in our house when I was a kid. It's a different generation I guess. I'm glad to be in this one, pulling together. I found myself attracted to my helpful man. Nothing (in my humble opinion) is more attractive then a man who meets his wife's needs wherever possible.

A friend of mine called the other day and told me about a book she had read that pointed out some things to her that she hadn't realized before. That some of her needs as a wife were not being met by her husband. She had known she wasn't happy, but this book really spelled things out for her and that now she and her spouse are going through the book together as a couple. When I told my husband about it he said to be sure and not bring that book home. He was joking- of course, but I know what he is saying. That possibly finding in a book what is wrong can be the cause of the problem. Not sure if that was the case for my friend or not. I just hope she will be happier. I hope that for us all! It really all comes down to being unselfish. T's grandma used to say to her husband "I'm first after you."

She was a terribly happy woman.